The Size of That
by NiuNiu
Summary: The Size of That has always been in history a sensitive part for men. Also for Siegfried...R&R, thank you. Thanks for Genya helping me with this!


That Size of That

Once upon a time there was a huge and old stone castle on top of  
the hill. Only royalty was allowed to live in the castle. Truthfully it really wasn´t a castle at all, just a bare house  
built to look like a castle. There, in that castle-looking stone house, lived  
a very arrogant and nasty little brat named Siegfried. Well, actually he  
wasn´t so little anymore, he was a young man with a freaky monster hand. He had  
had lots of money for buing that house and making it look like a castle  
because he used to be a thief when he was young. He also had a faithful  
companion, Bert the Meat-eating plant, but still he had a problem. He  
had only that size of That. What _that_ nobody knew because everyone was  
too afraid to ask about it. Villagers could often hear him yelling "NOOO!  
Is it really that small!" But there was nothing they could do.

Then came the day when Siegfried had had enough of It.  
"That does It! I can´t stand this wiener anymore!" he said and started  
to think how he could gain some more length to It. Siegfried was so  
frustrated that he couldn´t think of anything else.  
"Hmmm… guess I need to find new one, but where and how? Hmmm…"  
He remembered the good old times, when he used to steal lollipops from  
kids and kick some grannies, and that´s where he got his marvellous plan.  
"Yeah! That´s right! I´m still a damn good thief and badass that all I  
need to do is STEAL a new one!"  
Siegfried walked a circle in the middle of the room thinking about good  
victims for his evil plan.

"Yungsung? No, kind a small. Cervantes?  
Nope, to freaky. Talim? Talim! What am I thinking, she doesn´t have That!  
Ouch! Thinkthinkthink!"  
Frustrated, Siegfried hit his head on wall killing few flies that  
were sitting there with his forehead. He gave those flies to Bert.  
"There you go, Bert. Geez, I think I should give you something else, I  
just  
hate these flies!" Flies. There was the idea!  
"Flies - Hate - Raphael!"

Raphael was picking some flowers in his royal garden´s yard when  
Siegfried  
jumped out from the rosebush.  
"Sacré bleu!" Raphael screamed and flowers flew away from his hand.  
"Zum Teufel!" Siegfried cursed when those flowers smashed on his face  
(yes, Raphael had already been there for a while picking flowers, so he had  
a bunch of them)  
"What are you doing in my rosebush!"  
Siegfried moved flowers away from his face and gave Raphael an evil smirk.  
"I have come to steal IT!"  
Raphael´s face turned white. Shaking, he took few steps backwards.  
"No… You wouldn´t steal THAT…!"  
"… Oui - Ja!"  
Raphael turned around and ran away from that horrible man screaming  
something in French. Siegfried didn´t waste his time. He rose and  
speed after Raphael. Even with leg armour Siegfried was fast. Being  
a damn good thief and badass didn´t mean he never had any reasons to run  
away, especially when kids throw peas at him.  
Soon Siegfried snatched Raphael who's leg had got stuck in a backyard  
swamp. With one blow Siegfried knoched him out and bent down to  
look for his catch. He was very deeply disappointed.  
"What? Oh, That´s disgusting! Too thin and too used, I don´t want  
That!"

Siegfried returned to his home where Bert was already begging for more   
flies. "Shut up, I need to think!"  
Siegfried sat on his favourite chair and munched some salt crackers.  
The salt crackers always made him feel good.  
"That Raphael was a big disappointment. Who would have guessed? I need  
to start everything from the beginning."  
Before Siegfried had even finish the salt cracker he got an idea.  
"Mitsurugi! He will be my saviour!"

Mitsurugi was taking a nap under the cherry tree when something fell on  
him.  
"Wha… what the ---! Siegfried! Get of me!"  
"No! I won´t! I need to have It!"  
It was Mitsurugi´s time to turn white.  
"Say what? You´re trying to take… NO!"  
Siegfried and Mitsurugi wrestled furiously on the ground, Siegfried  
desperately trying to get what he desired and Mitsurugi trying to keep  
what was his. Suddenly Mitsurugi smacked his head on the trunk of the cherry  
tree and passed out. Mitsurugi was a tough opponent and he would wake up soon,  
so Siegfried quickly took what he wanted.  
"Yes, this is it….!"

Back home Bert was again begging for more flies from Siegfreid, but he  
didn´t care about the whining of the plant.  
"Shhh! Can´t you see I´m busy right now?"  
Siegfried said, taking a good look at his new treasure.  
"Oh wow.. this is even better than I hoped… So enormous!" Siegfried  
gasped with joy.  
"Now I don´t need to buy a new sword…"


End file.
